Southeast Of Disorder

I'm currently sitting in a hotel room on the beach in Panama City Beach with my dear friend L.

I just knew that I wouldn't be able to go to the beach this year because I'm so fucking broke, but a couple of weeks ago, L. informed me that she was taking me to the beach with her. I was like, "Oh, I appreciate the thought, but I don't have the money to go." She told me that she was going to cover the whole thing, all expenses paid. I told her I couldn't let her do that, and we went back and forth for awhile. But to make a long story short, she wouldn't let me say no, so...here I am.

We spent a couple of hours sitting on the beach tonight. We walked down to the water at first, and I let the waves wash over my feet and ankles for awhile. Then we moved back to the hotel lounge chairs and sat in them. From there, I could see my two favorite things in the whole world--the sky and the sea. There were large patches of clouds in the sky when we first sat down, and I said that I wished the clouds would move back so we could see more than just a couple of stars. And apparently, the sky gods were listening because as we sat there, the clouds split in half right above where we were sitting and pulled back little by little to reveal a wide expanse of sky and stars.

L. downloaded a sky map on her phone, and we fucked around with it for awhile, looking for constellations. There was one pretty much directly in front of us that I'd been looking at for awhile, as the app was downloading, and I said, "You know, that right there looks like it oughta be something." Turns out, it was Sagittarius--my zodiac sign, for anyone keeping score at home. That made me extremely happy for some reason.

We found several others, too. I told Laura that I had tried to watch the meteor shower earlier this month but that every time I'd tried, it'd been cloudy. Later, she saw a meteor and was all "Hey, I saw a meteor!" And I was like dammit, I missed it.

A little later, though, as I was staring off to the east, I saw one shoot across the sky, which made me inordinately happy. I squealed like child...or a lunatic. Your choice.

There is absolutely nothing I love more in this world than sitting on the beach at night and seeing that point on the horizon where the sky and the ocean meet. I could've stayed out there all night, but L. was getting chilly. I didn't wanna be an ass, so I came back inside with her.

I know what I want to happen when I die. I want all my donateable organs donated. I want my brain donated to the place where bipolars and schizophrenics can donate their brains after they die so that they can be studied in order to help the living crazy people. If I'm still young and attractive, I want to be dressed in the most obnoxious red dress that can be found for my funeral home viewing. That way, I can die as I lived--as a flamboyent redneck. If I'm old and ugly, I don't want to be exhibited. Just nail down the coffin and hide me from public view. Then, once that's done, I want to be cremated and scattered out to sea.

Why? Because in this world the ocean is the only thing big enough to quiet the demons that scream at me. Its vastness swallows me whole, enfolds me in its arms, and utters whatever voodoo necessary to silence them. I once thought I could find that in other places, but it was only temporary. But the ocean? It'll be here until long after all of us humans die off, and I want it to be this body's last resting place.

My soul, of course, will go back to the Great Cosmic Waiting Room to await the right time to be reborn. In my next life--which I pray to God is better than this one--I hope I'm reborn as a sailor. Or maybe I have been one before and just didn't know.



As a dreamer of dreams
And a traveling Bun,
I have chalked up many mile
Read dozens of books
About heroes and crooks
And I learned much from both of their styles....