Love's Awakening

A few days ago, I said I'd had an epiphany but hadn't had time to post it yet. I'm taking time now.

****Disclaimer****

I have just taken a sleeping pill. If this gets more incoherent as it goes on, that's why.


Several days ago, when I heard the news, all I could think about was how I wanted to die. I even sent Kitty some messages that she must've thought were strange, coming out of the blue like that. But even though I hadn't decided how I was going to do it yet, I was ready and willing to kill myself to keep from having to deal with the pain, and the messages were a way of wrapping up loose ends, so to speak.

But I am still here. I don't know why entirely. But I am. I won't bore you with the details.

The next day, the day after I heard the news, there was a profound change that came over me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that, even if I were given the opportunity, I would not trade places with any of them. This has not always been the case.

At one time, I would've. Even knowing that it would hurt at least one of them--probably more than just one--I would have done it, anyway, claiming that I'd been through enough hurt for one lifetime, so it was time for them to experience some of it for awhile. But now? No. Not even if a genie came to sit at the foot of my bed and asked me what my three wishes were.

Why? Because barring some sort of unforeseen "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" kind of deal, my doing that would hurt them. Casting one of them out in favor of myself would bring on all kinds of pain and misery, and I can't bear the thought of the people I love hurting, especially not on account of me.

So if someone has to suffer so that the others don't have to, then let it be me. I've had a lifetime of pain, so I'm probably better equipped to deal with it, brain crazies not withstanding. If I have to spend the rest of my life alone and broken-hearted so that they can be happy, I will do it without question.

I love them. I want them to be happy. If it takes my absence in order to accomplish that, so be it. I will bear my pain in (relative) silence and be glad that they are not the ones in my shoes.

If I ever had any doubts whether or not my love for them--all of them--is real or just a crazy person's obsessive inability to let go of the past, then those doubts are gone. It is most assuredly the former, and even if I do suffer for it the rest of my life....Well, if I'm not quite at peace with it, I have at least accepted my lot.

Be happy, my loves. I'll stand in the back and hope that I'm doing the right thing for once.